I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
