Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize