Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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