Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
