So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
