My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
