well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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