Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
