I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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