Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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