we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Found the puke drawer
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
