I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
