ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You're a waste of cheezeits
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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