Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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