Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
