I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
