i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
