Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
