A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
do nipples grow back?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
