This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
