Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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