I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I AM VODKA MAN
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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