so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
