Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize