I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
