So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
