I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
