I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
