I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
