I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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