i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
