There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
