Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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