i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
