Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
