Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
