maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
