you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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