just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
