I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Randomize
