I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
