ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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