well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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