i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
