At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
where does the pee come out of this thing
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
