dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize