You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
