I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
