Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
