Dual....:-)
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
