dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
