Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
