I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
