my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
