dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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