I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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