i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
