ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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