I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
