i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize