I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
there is glitter all over my balls
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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