I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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