i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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