I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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